Dirty Talk Advice for Daphne and Duke Hastings of Bridgerton

In my previous post for Medium on National Sex Education Day, I gave you my 5-part formula for talking dirty about anything and also gave you some racy sentences to go with it. If you haven’t read, you should. Or better yet, go listen to the episode my podcast RhetoricLee Speaking

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5y6i1uEmQtxSy33C01w8zV?si=ymx0NwxlQn-U7t_UQ4cHWQ

We’re going to listen to the world’s most boring sex scene from the Netflix series Bridgerton. Quick overview: he’s a philandering young Duke of hotness and she is the sassy virgin who melted his frozen heart all the way to the altar. And they are finally, after the world’s shortest engagement, hitting the sack.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCwNcks7YEE

Solid dirty talk when he asks her “remember what we talked about — you touching yourself.” A+. But that’s not a beginner move. That’s a G move that only happens when you have the perfect stereotype combination of “naive but sexually unrepressed virgin prince” and “Don Juan with a heart of gold.” You’re not pulling off a “touch yourself in front of me” move as a beginner.

But you can try our formula and do something like, “I’ve always wanted you to watch me touch myself.” See what kind of reception you get.

The problem is then the scene gets SO awkward. It’s like, “Hey asshole I’m over here touching myself and you’re just wordlessly mouth breathing.” You’ve got to keep the action going. That’s where our formula comes in.

So think about sentences that either one of them COULD have said. She could have said, “do you like watching me slip my fingers over my swollen clit.” She wouldn’t have said that — it’s not in her character — but HE certainly could have said it! (If he can lick a spoon like this, he can up his sexy talk game).

And when he asks, “what do you want?” What could she have said? What kind of prompts could he, being the far more comfortable of the two, have given? “I want you” is great if you’re writing a romance. But this is supposed to be hot sex. I need a little something extra. He could have asked, “do you want me to slip a finger inside you? Do you want me to put it in my mouth?” She could have also asked for those things.

But that’s the failure of mainstream media. No linguistic imagination. No effort to the writing. They perpetuate the myth that it’s all about the act. That the act is the hot part. The act is not the hot part. The hot part is using your words to turn “just sex” into “total hotness.”

And there you have it. You are now officially graduated from Smut Yr Mouth academy. Your certificates are in the mail after you review the podcast.

But before I let you go, let me address two obstacles that are likely to come up. Because let’s be honest, if talking dirty were as easy as I say it is, you wouldn’t need me to tell you what to do.

Situation A: your partner isn’t receptive to dirty talk or at least not in the way you’d like. Situation B: you know the formula but cannot, for the life of you, come up with any nouns, verbs, or adjectives to try.

The solution for both of these problems is the internet. Specifically, https://www.weshouldtryit.com/

It’s an online quiz about sexual fantasies that you share with your partner so they can take the quiz by themselves away from your needy sexual fantasies. J/K. J/K.

The genius of the quiz is that it ONLY RETURNS THE RESULTS that you both share. And it has a medium and advanced set of questions so you don’t have to go too crazy, too soon. It also gives you the list of questions right up front, so even if you don’t want to actually take the quiz with your partner — although you should — you can still look at the questions to drum up some main courses for your dirty talk buffet.

In the “Basic/Vanilla” category (which by the way is a shitty judgment that you should not internalize) you’ll see that only a few questions explicitly relate to dirty talk. They are:

• Watch porn together — hmm, defs interested
• Show partner how I like something from porn scene — possibly. As long as it isn’t Bridgerton.
• Be shown what partner likes from porn — yes if it’s ethically sourced and paid-for porn and not gross sex trafficked free internet porn
• Be more vocal towards partner during sex — absolutely
• Have partner be more vocal — if they know the formula
• Talk dirtier to partner — dirtiER? Not sure that’s possible
• Have partner talk dirtier to me — maybe. Unclear how this is different from “have partner by more vocal”
• Call partner obscene words (bitch, slut, whore, etc) — sure, if they’re into it. Would not be my preference
• Be called obscene words (bitch, slut, whore, etc) by partner — umm, only if they mean it in like the adorable RuPaul way not in the demeaning burn-the-witch kind of way

Unfortunately, a lot of these questions are about the ACT of sex. Not ideal for those of us who want more dirty talking but not necessarily more dirty doing. And, the questions that are about talking present a somewhat exploitative and violent version of what sexy talk can look like.

I don’t necessarily want to be called “obscene” words during sex. Why is that my only option? Why can’t I be called or call my partner sexy princess names? Why can’t I be adoringly complimented on my voluptuous, moist, quivering body? Why can’t my partner express interest in describing in detail to me their wildest fantasy?

Apparently what I need to do is write a dirty talk sex quiz but I ain’t got time for that.

So we will use what we have. At the very least, there’s no shortage of food for fantasy thought. And, most importantly, it will open up a dialogue with your partner. Just be clear: if you’re taking the quiz for fantasizing purposes and not because you’re into the act, you should preface by saying that.

I would just tell my partner: yo, I want to do this list together but just to be clear I’m interested in us exploring our fantasies so we can talk about them to add a racy edge to our missionary-on-Wednesdays-and-some-hand-stuff-on-the-weekends sex life. NOT because I necessarily want to do any of this shit.

If this quiz were really good it would have a second set of questions for each question: you wanna talk about it or be about it? Both are fine. But it would be nice if that were clearly expressed. But like the rest of the world, this quiz is bad at rhetoric and that is why you have me.

Now what if you’ve got a partner who is just a no? Won’t take the quiz. Shits on everything on the quiz. Has judgments about you even wanting to take the quiz? That does not mean your quest for dirty talk is over. Although I would consider why you’re with a partner who sexually shames you.

But some partners just can’t get there. And that’s okay. Sexual repression is very, very real. Patriarchy is very, very real. And, as we get older, vaginal dryness, impotence, stress-induced fragility (I know, it’s a gross medical term but it’s what it’s called) are very, very real.

Well, here’s the thing about dirty talk. You don’t need a partner to do it. You can do it, right in your own head. Then it’s just called sexy thinking. And you can start your sexy thinking well before you get your 12 minutes of quiet missionary on Wednesday. You can read yourself a little erotic fiction. You can replay an encounter in your head using any of the 5,899 scenarios available to you on the sexy stuff quiz. Don’t wait around for someone else to make your sexual fantasy happen for you. You can do it right now, for yourself.

In the end, that is the best sex ed I can give you. To pervert a quote that was never by Ghandi in the first place as I discussed in Ep 18: Be the sexy that you want to see in the world.

And remember, rhetoric nerds, that consent is sexy but the best consent is sexy consent.

No go review my podcast because I just said “piss in my mouth” publicly on the internet for you. Because I care enough to give my very best. You can find it anywhere you listen by searching RhetoricLee Speaking or head over to www.rhetoriclee.com.